Marriage Advice on the Sly

I was recently approached by someone asking me for my opinion on situations that often come up in a marriage or any relationship for that matter. I am no expert, but I have learned that I can't sweat the little things that happen.  Sometimes you just have to let the niggling annoyances go.

We all know how hard that is.  Men always say that it's us women who have a filing cabinet in our minds of everything they've ever done wrong.  They consider it an arsenal, I just consider it good memory.  Women aren't the only creatures that do this.  Yes, I am looking at the men...and the children for that matter.

You hear it in the stores as you're walking by a mom. "If you behave, I will get you something before we leave." The child often responds with, "You said that last time!"  Later on, you hear the kid wailing about the promise that was supposedly broken yet again. Mom is red-faced, rolling her eyes, pulling her hair out, and looking apologetic for the outburst of her darling little child.  It wasn't necessarily the promise that was broken, but the definition of "behave" wasn't clear enough for the kid to understand.  Or if it was, they have a short term memory.

I don't want to put the instance down because I like keeping things as anonymous as possible on here.  However, I can tell you what I told her.  Again, I am NOT an expert on marriage.

Marriage is a partnership.  You are to deal with incidents as they happen, together as a team.  If there is a large project needing done in the house, get everyone that lives in that house involved.

If you come across some items, though married, you don't feel you should be handling (i.e. work papers, parents' legal documents) set them in a pile for your life-mate to go through.  There's nothing that says you can't be neat and organized without being nosy.  It's what I do.  It's what I've been doing.

I've written before about clearing the clutter in my home.  When I came across things that were my husband's, I set them aside for him to go through.  He'd go through them and stick them back in the pile, which annoyed the heck out of me, but I let it go and made a mental note to re-stack those in his to-go-through pile the next go 'round.

He always says he'd already gone through it, and I'd remind him that he should find a home for it. Thus begins the cycle anew.  I know this will happen every time, and every time I am prepared for it. I just smile and look pretty.

Growing up I always heard marriage is a 50-50 deal.  Even the Christian books on marriage would say that.  I disagree whole-heartedly.  Marriage isn't a 50-50 partnership.  If you both aren't putting your whole selves into it every day, you're short-changing not only your partner but yourself. Why?  Because, what do we do as a species?  We stand back, cross our arms, and say "well, you didn't do that for me, so I'm not doing this for you."  Our inner child then sticks their tongue out and storms off in a temper tantrum.

You have to give your marriage your all or it's not going to last.  It isn't "his and hers" or "he said, she said".  It's "ours" and  "we".

I know first-hand how supremely frustrating it can be to spend all day, power-scrubbing your kitchen, only to have your partner or child come home and spill some breadcrumbs or soda and then walk off, leaving the mess for you to clean up.  Every time it happens, and I mean EVERY single time, I go to that person and ask them to please clean up after themselves.  I explain that I spent a good portion of my day, making sure that the kitchen was germ free and crumb free.  EVERY time I get the same response, "I didn't make a mess."  I just smile and they feel the urge to go and check.

Kill 'em with kindness.  My husband thinks my smile during those times looks sinister, and it probably does, but if I don't smile, I'd most likely scream.

I picture myself looking much like the bride in The Haunted Mansion, raising and lowering her axe as she says, "I do" or "until death, do us part".  If sinister gets the job done, sinister I shall be.

Marriage is hard work.  It's not magical--all unicorns and rainbows--it takes a lot of effort to work through your differences and combine your individual personalities.  It doesn't stop being work just because you've been married longer than most people can fathom.  You really need to pick your battles and once the battle has ended, by way of a satisfactory agreement for both parties, you go back to being a loving couple.  If you dwell on the incident for too long, then you're only prolonging your pain.  Where is the good in that?

Don't sweat it, let it go, and save yourself the grief.  You don't know how long you have with your loved ones.  Wouldn't your time be better spent enjoying life together instead of fighting every step of the way about things that really don't matter?

Marinate on that...

Why Can't People Just Leave It Be?

A funny thing happened on the way to blog...

Life!

So a lot has happened since I last blogged...obviously, since it has been well over a month since I last wrote. Much happiness and many frustrations.  I should have enough material to write about in the WEEKS to come.  Thus begins another entry...

--<--{@}-->--

It amazes me how some people always feel they have a solution to YOUR problem. I may be guilty of this also, I can admit that, but if someone tells me they're done, I'm done. No more probing or prodding, I just stop.  This is not the way of others and it gets a bit ridiculous.

I've told people over and over again that I am done. D.O.N.E. DONE! There's nothing I can do that won't cost me money that I really don't have.  Yet, numerous people just keep coming at me with a "solution". I've seen the solutions. I am a research geek! If it exists, I can find it.  I've done all the reading on the subject. Checked my financial resources and it just is not possible.

I've told people over and over that I have given in. I can't go any farther on the matter, so we're just living life as it has been handed to us.  I accept my role in life, and I am dealing with it to the best of my ability.  I sometimes crack under the pressure of someone else's announcement, but that is to be expected.

Have I completely confused you yet?

Let me ask this...
Have you ever wanted something so badly, that you've looked down every single avenue and all of their side streets and cracks in the walls that you could think of or find?  Gone to great lengths, even done some things that made you personally uncomfortable or scared?  Anything and everything just to get to where you so desperately want to be?

I have. I spent the better part of eight years, exhausting myself and my husband.  We finally sat down two years ago and discussed our next step. There was none. We decided to end the stress and accept it. We are fine with our decision, but our families just won't quit. If it were just one or two people, maybe I could deal, but it's coming from all sides and it's just not right.  We'd told EVERYONE. We are not interested in talking about the subject anymore.  Subject closed.  THE END.

Hey there Einstein! Why is it so difficult for you to get the picture?  The solution exists, yes, but it can not be done at this time. Which, given the time-frame we have to work with...

It's not happening. Sorry to disappoint, but can we please move on and cut the bull?

Play Time

Now wait a minute!  It's not what you think...I know some of you have a dirty mind.  Don't look shocked...you know who you are.

Or maybe it is what you think, because you have a pure mind. O.o
Whatever!

Anywho...

Games people! I'm talking board games, card games, and puzzles!  It's a lot more fun when you are teamed up with someone or are part of a small group of someones.  Why?  The gloat factor is much richer!

Gloat?  Who gloats? My husband, his father, his brother, and all their friends. They win a competition against the women and they gloat for months!  They lose and it's whining for even longer.

"You cheated."  

"You table-talked."

"You win one time, and you're proud of that? Let's see if you win the next one!"

"We let you win because we felt sorry for you."
"You lose so much, we had to let you win this one."

The next get together, they've forgotten they lost the last round.  I swear we need to keep a log somewhere of the times we win--but then they'd just accuse us of doctoring the log.

If you don't have a game night with family and friends--I'm talking AWAY from all the technology here people--DO IT!  You'll never laugh harder in your life!  It can create conversations, and you're having a good ol' time with people you love.

Vanity

I truly hate this subject, but I can't get it out of my head.  A conversation I had with a friend earlier is playing on a loop in my head like a song I can't forget but desperately want to. When I need to get a song out of my head, I play it, so by deductive reasoning, in order to get this out of my head, I need to "get it down on paper"--so to speak.

We were having a conversation about this person being in search of a relationship, and how some people had just been downright rude. This person is on a singles website--a social network for singles--and has been receiving and sending messages to people. Some have responded with a simple "thanks, but no thanks" which is fine; it basically means "not interested."

Sadly, some people have decided to take the "thanks, but no thanks" a bit too far. Saying things like "you're ugly" or "maybe you should give up." WOW! Where the hell do people get off labeling someone as ugly? This person isn't gorgeous, but they most certainly aren't lacking in the looks department.

Take a good long look in a mirror, and excuse the hell out of me, but who exactly is "ugly" here?  Ugly would be the attitude.  Just because someone doesn't live up to a standard you have placed so high up on a pedestal that few are bound to reach, doesn't give you the right to judge them.  If you're such a catch, then what is your happy ass butt doing on a singles' site looking for a relationship?  Check yourself, because you are a wreck!

I actually started to feel bad for my friend, but then they made matters worse, and I no longer felt sorry for them.  I pitied them.  Why?

Because not five minutes later, they're talking about someone that had messaged them, and how they couldn't respond because the person was so horrible looking that they could have a nightmare.

What the...?








I'm not one to sugarcoat or hide my feelings when I get peeved which is sometimes my downfall, so I told my friend that they were being an asshat jerk! It's called karma you dumbass freak!  You say things like that about others, and it's liable to come back to bite you in the arse!

They were a bit taken aback by my response, but after a lengthy discussion, then realized that they had offended with the exact action that they were accusing the other person of committing. 

WAKE UP CALL

**head meet desk**

"The surest cure for vanity is loneliness"
~Thomas Wolfe