Marriage Advice on the Sly

I was recently approached by someone asking me for my opinion on situations that often come up in a marriage or any relationship for that matter. I am no expert, but I have learned that I can't sweat the little things that happen.  Sometimes you just have to let the niggling annoyances go.

We all know how hard that is.  Men always say that it's us women who have a filing cabinet in our minds of everything they've ever done wrong.  They consider it an arsenal, I just consider it good memory.  Women aren't the only creatures that do this.  Yes, I am looking at the men...and the children for that matter.

You hear it in the stores as you're walking by a mom. "If you behave, I will get you something before we leave." The child often responds with, "You said that last time!"  Later on, you hear the kid wailing about the promise that was supposedly broken yet again. Mom is red-faced, rolling her eyes, pulling her hair out, and looking apologetic for the outburst of her darling little child.  It wasn't necessarily the promise that was broken, but the definition of "behave" wasn't clear enough for the kid to understand.  Or if it was, they have a short term memory.

I don't want to put the instance down because I like keeping things as anonymous as possible on here.  However, I can tell you what I told her.  Again, I am NOT an expert on marriage.

Marriage is a partnership.  You are to deal with incidents as they happen, together as a team.  If there is a large project needing done in the house, get everyone that lives in that house involved.

If you come across some items, though married, you don't feel you should be handling (i.e. work papers, parents' legal documents) set them in a pile for your life-mate to go through.  There's nothing that says you can't be neat and organized without being nosy.  It's what I do.  It's what I've been doing.

I've written before about clearing the clutter in my home.  When I came across things that were my husband's, I set them aside for him to go through.  He'd go through them and stick them back in the pile, which annoyed the heck out of me, but I let it go and made a mental note to re-stack those in his to-go-through pile the next go 'round.

He always says he'd already gone through it, and I'd remind him that he should find a home for it. Thus begins the cycle anew.  I know this will happen every time, and every time I am prepared for it. I just smile and look pretty.

Growing up I always heard marriage is a 50-50 deal.  Even the Christian books on marriage would say that.  I disagree whole-heartedly.  Marriage isn't a 50-50 partnership.  If you both aren't putting your whole selves into it every day, you're short-changing not only your partner but yourself. Why?  Because, what do we do as a species?  We stand back, cross our arms, and say "well, you didn't do that for me, so I'm not doing this for you."  Our inner child then sticks their tongue out and storms off in a temper tantrum.

You have to give your marriage your all or it's not going to last.  It isn't "his and hers" or "he said, she said".  It's "ours" and  "we".

I know first-hand how supremely frustrating it can be to spend all day, power-scrubbing your kitchen, only to have your partner or child come home and spill some breadcrumbs or soda and then walk off, leaving the mess for you to clean up.  Every time it happens, and I mean EVERY single time, I go to that person and ask them to please clean up after themselves.  I explain that I spent a good portion of my day, making sure that the kitchen was germ free and crumb free.  EVERY time I get the same response, "I didn't make a mess."  I just smile and they feel the urge to go and check.

Kill 'em with kindness.  My husband thinks my smile during those times looks sinister, and it probably does, but if I don't smile, I'd most likely scream.

I picture myself looking much like the bride in The Haunted Mansion, raising and lowering her axe as she says, "I do" or "until death, do us part".  If sinister gets the job done, sinister I shall be.

Marriage is hard work.  It's not magical--all unicorns and rainbows--it takes a lot of effort to work through your differences and combine your individual personalities.  It doesn't stop being work just because you've been married longer than most people can fathom.  You really need to pick your battles and once the battle has ended, by way of a satisfactory agreement for both parties, you go back to being a loving couple.  If you dwell on the incident for too long, then you're only prolonging your pain.  Where is the good in that?

Don't sweat it, let it go, and save yourself the grief.  You don't know how long you have with your loved ones.  Wouldn't your time be better spent enjoying life together instead of fighting every step of the way about things that really don't matter?

Marinate on that...

Friend or Foe?

There's an old saying which I believe came from Sun Tzu's "The Art of War":

"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

This is so absolutely true, but what happens when you find out your friend was your enemy after all? 

This was a topic of conversation today.  A friend of mine found that one of her friends is a rather good actress when it comes to playing the friend part.  She'd thought this person to be her best friend.  Through the grapevine, she'd recently found that this was actually not the case.  The messenger relayed this sobering information to my friend by citing a particular instance between my friend and her supposed bestie.  She was devastated! I found myself not knowing what to say to her to help her feel better.  I couldn't even begin to guess what I would want anyone to say to me.  

After a few hours, a few more conversations, some relaxation and a shower, I finally realized some things. It's a shock to one's system, and they're not quite sure what to do with that information. They're hurt and may even be a bit on the defensive their first communiqué with that person.  With that first after-the-fact encounter, do they then discuss what has come to light or act like a duck and let it roll off their back?

This is why I don't have many friends. I have been burned by that very platitude more than once.  I've learned, as cynical as it may sound, that I can count on no one but myself.  If I am disappointed, I have myself to blame.  If I am saddened, I have no one to chastise except myself.  

There are those that say that no one can hurt you unless you allow them to.  I agree with this for the most part, but there are things beyond what little control we hold onto that can surprise the hell out of us.  We get broadsided by the shock of it.  The impact of it resonates through every bone of our body, shaking the very fiber of our being so much so that it cripples us for a time.

Why is it that what our best friends say to us wound us so deeply?  

When we say we have a best friend, we're saying that we have finally found that person--outside of our family--that we can trust with our inner most secrets.  We don't expect them to judge.  We fully expect that they will stand by our side, no matter the situation.  

Sadly, reality eventually hits for most of us, and we come to the realization that what we have is yet another hum-drum "friend"...not a best friend. 

People just have a lot of growing up to do.  I know this is true for me, but I have learned quite a bit from my harried past.  

For example, judging someone is not my job.  I may not appreciate things certain people do or the way they do them, but it isn't my place to tell them what they've done wrong.  I couldn't honestly say that in that moment I wouldn't have done the same.  Also, do I know for sure that the other way "I would have done things" would have been correct?

Opinions run amuck.  Everyone has an opinion.  It is our unfortunate job to listen to all of them.  We don't have to take them in, but if we don't allow them to be spoken, we are perceived as ignorant or uncooperative.  It just better to deal with it.

If, for whatever reason, someone steps in and tries to help you with your situation, however unwanted it may be, thank them.  You may still POLITELY turn them away, but thank them for their efforts nonetheless.

Don't sweat the small stuff.  They're never worth the amount of pain they cause when allowed to fester.

Realizing Mortality

“Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say. Whatever you want to do, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows.” 

 ~Pope Paul VI (Italian Pope. 1897-1978)

One doesn't much think about their own mortality until someone else moves onto the next plane--or at least, I don't. I don't see the point in dwelling on how this life may or may not end. When it ends, it ends. I know wherever I go, I can begin life anew with loved ones that have gone before me.  Yes, I believe in an afterlife.

Why am I bringing this up?  Because my husband lost a friend today.  It's hard to hear of people your own age dying, and this is the second of his friends within a year.  He was deeply saddened, and I did what I could to comfort him, but I know my husband. He needed space so that he could grieve.  So I left the room and he came to me when he was ready.

I know a part of him is afraid of dying.  I've tried to walk him through the faith that I have for my own life, but he's a damaged man.  Completely redeemable, but damaged by a system of religion that discards you at the right price.  I still don't understand it, and neither does he.  I'll never give up on trying to show him though.

As for me, I finally realized a few years ago, that I don't have to be so worried about everything.  What symptom goes to what disease or where the most dangerous streets are in the state don't scare me so much. Why?  Because that's not living! If you're constantly stressing about "what could happen if..." then you are bringing your end date much closer to the present.  Stress is hard on your heart, which only causes more stress on the rest of your body. 

A few things I've learned and try to concentrate on daily:

Don't sweat the small stuff.  

Never cross your arms when you're angry.

Lose the hate.

Love until your heart stops.

Laugh, even when you want to cry.

"Kill" someone with kindness.

Pay it forward.

Smile when someone in front of you is angry.

Learn all that you can about something fun.

Play games.

Talk it out, listen carefully, and let the embers of regret turn to ash.

Guilt, regret, hatred, and anger have no place in my life. I cannot regret anything--so no guilt--because without   those things, I would not have learned anything.  Hatred doesn't hurt the other person, it only hurts me.  Anger...why?  Again, it only hurts me.