Why Can't People Just Leave It Be?

A funny thing happened on the way to blog...

Life!

So a lot has happened since I last blogged...obviously, since it has been well over a month since I last wrote. Much happiness and many frustrations.  I should have enough material to write about in the WEEKS to come.  Thus begins another entry...

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It amazes me how some people always feel they have a solution to YOUR problem. I may be guilty of this also, I can admit that, but if someone tells me they're done, I'm done. No more probing or prodding, I just stop.  This is not the way of others and it gets a bit ridiculous.

I've told people over and over again that I am done. D.O.N.E. DONE! There's nothing I can do that won't cost me money that I really don't have.  Yet, numerous people just keep coming at me with a "solution". I've seen the solutions. I am a research geek! If it exists, I can find it.  I've done all the reading on the subject. Checked my financial resources and it just is not possible.

I've told people over and over that I have given in. I can't go any farther on the matter, so we're just living life as it has been handed to us.  I accept my role in life, and I am dealing with it to the best of my ability.  I sometimes crack under the pressure of someone else's announcement, but that is to be expected.

Have I completely confused you yet?

Let me ask this...
Have you ever wanted something so badly, that you've looked down every single avenue and all of their side streets and cracks in the walls that you could think of or find?  Gone to great lengths, even done some things that made you personally uncomfortable or scared?  Anything and everything just to get to where you so desperately want to be?

I have. I spent the better part of eight years, exhausting myself and my husband.  We finally sat down two years ago and discussed our next step. There was none. We decided to end the stress and accept it. We are fine with our decision, but our families just won't quit. If it were just one or two people, maybe I could deal, but it's coming from all sides and it's just not right.  We'd told EVERYONE. We are not interested in talking about the subject anymore.  Subject closed.  THE END.

Hey there Einstein! Why is it so difficult for you to get the picture?  The solution exists, yes, but it can not be done at this time. Which, given the time-frame we have to work with...

It's not happening. Sorry to disappoint, but can we please move on and cut the bull?

Resolutions

Resolutions. We all make them.

"I'm gonna make myself into a better me."

"I'm going to lose weight."
"I'm going to travel more."
"I'll pay off my credit cards and not use them."

"I'll go back to school."

I've made all of these and what have I done so far? Not a darn thing.  They've started out well, with the best of intentions and then like they do every year...they fall by the wayside. So what is it this year? 

Clean up the cluttered cache that is my life.

I actually began doing this mid-year in 2011. In all honesty, I've been trying avoiding this since we moved into our house eight years ago. It's been a long battle with myself.  I now consider myself a hoarder. Now before you judge, it's not like what you have seen on television ((although at times, I was close)). I had many problems I had to deal with personally before I could even begin to identify what I was doing.  You're probably asking what the heck could have driven me to do it in the first place. If you're not, I'll answer anyway.

Low self-esteem. 

I don't think people truly understand just how hurtful words AND actions can be.  I was holding onto things and building my stockpile to keep myself in this place.  Thinking that even if this man did try to leave me, like all the others he would have a hard time getting me out of his life for a while and I would be able to win him back during the time I would have to spend cleaning all my stuff out of his life. Crazy, right?

Yeah I would almost agree, except it's not. Not really.  I mean it is a mental challenge, don't get me wrong. It was the thinking of a woman so desperate to hang onto anything (or anyone) for longer than a few months or even a year. It has taken me ten years to realize that this one man...he's not going anywhere. He is my guardian. My defender. My love.

We have fought tooth and nail about anything and everything, and yet...he remains here.  He still loves me and proves it in the little things.  Sometimes he shows with the grand gesture, but I don't need that.  Why?  Because I know he loves me.  This is very important. I know. Yes he said it and I knew what he was saying, but years of being neglected/dumped/divorced/abused doesn't allow a person's love to penetrate that thick concrete wall that contains the steel vault holding my heart. I do love him...I just wasn't always certain of his love for me.

That all being said...I finally get it. Because of him and his continuous badgering of love for me, I can finally let go.  I can get rid of broken trinkets, blurry photos, pens that don't work, files...well, you get the idea.  I have gone from a three room plus clutter to an over-flowing closet.  Now it's time to buckle down and get rid of this last tidbit.  I have until the end of the year to do so.

Good Luck to me!