"I'm gonna make myself into a better me."
"I'm going to lose weight."
"I'm going to travel more."
"I'll pay off my credit cards and not use them."
"I'm going to travel more."
"I'll pay off my credit cards and not use them."
"I'll go back to school."
I've made all of these and what have I done so far? Not a darn thing. They've started out well, with the best of intentions and then like they do every year...they fall by the wayside. So what is it this year?
Clean up the cluttered cache that is my life.
I actually began doing this mid-year in 2011. In all honesty, I've been trying avoiding this since we moved into our house eight years ago. It's been a long battle with myself. I now consider myself a hoarder. Now before you judge, it's not like what you have seen on television ((although at times, I was close)). I had many problems I had to deal with personally before I could even begin to identify what I was doing. You're probably asking what the heck could have driven me to do it in the first place. If you're not, I'll answer anyway.
Low self-esteem.
I don't think people truly understand just how hurtful words AND actions can be. I was holding onto things and building my stockpile to keep myself in this place. Thinking that even if this man did try to leave me, like all the others he would have a hard time getting me out of his life for a while and I would be able to win him back during the time I would have to spend cleaning all my stuff out of his life. Crazy, right?
Yeah I would almost agree, except it's not. Not really. I mean it is a mental challenge, don't get me wrong. It was the thinking of a woman so desperate to hang onto anything (or anyone) for longer than a few months or even a year. It has taken me ten years to realize that this one man...he's not going anywhere. He is my guardian. My defender. My love.
We have fought tooth and nail about anything and everything, and yet...he remains here. He still loves me and proves it in the little things. Sometimes he shows with the grand gesture, but I don't need that. Why? Because I know he loves me. This is very important. I know. Yes he said it and I knew what he was saying, but years of being neglected/dumped/divorced/abused doesn't allow a person's love to penetrate that thick concrete wall that contains the steel vault holding my heart. I do love him...I just wasn't always certain of his love for me.
That all being said...I finally get it. Because of him and his continuous badgering of love for me, I can finally let go. I can get rid of broken trinkets, blurry photos, pens that don't work, files...well, you get the idea. I have gone from a three room plus clutter to an over-flowing closet. Now it's time to buckle down and get rid of this last tidbit. I have until the end of the year to do so.
Good Luck to me!
my relationship with my hubby is much the same. we argue...a lot sometimes, because we are such opposites (engineer vs. artist. hello! lol). but we're also similar in a lot of ways. and i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves me. sometimes i complain that he doesn't have a romantic bone in his body; he never plans grand gestures. but i'd be lost without him and the little things he does. all of those small things add up over time, and are almost always more important than the grand gestures. <3
ReplyDeleteI've noticed that our husbands are very much alike. I think the "lack of a romantic bone" is inherit in many men. I know we see some romantic moments in other's actions and sometimes wish ours did something that would at least resemble the thought, but we don't know what goes on all other times in those lives. It's the "the grass is always greener" mentality and it's just not realistic.
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