Weight and the Act of Fluctuation

"With fame, you know, you can read about yourself, somebody else's ideas about you, but what's important is how you feel about yourself--for survival and living day to day with what comes up."

~Marlyn Monroe

I don't like talking about weight.  Why?  Because it's depressing.  It's not a real number. The reason I say that is because weight's only consistency is that it fluctuates.  Whether you're thin, overweight, or obese it's always changing.

I know I gained weight last year. It wasn't much (twelve pounds), but I was already overweight to begin with.  Okay, let's be honest.  According to the BMI (Body Mass Index), I am obese. I know what my "ideal" weight is, but if I am to have muscle tone and not look sick, I'd rather be about ten to fifteen pounds higher than that.

Fat DOES NOT weigh more than muscle.  When people exercise to lose weight and get used to seeing the number drop when they step on that scale, when the number goes up again, a part of them gets discouraged and they want to give up.

Without consciously thinking about it, I gave up on focusing on lowering the fat content in my cooking.  I also decided to stick with soy milk since I haven't had any stomach issues since switching away from milk. It's also a decent enough creamer substitute, should I run out of the non-dairy liquid creamer--I hate the powdered crap.

Small change like this, and I've already lost six pounds this year.  It's odd.  I stopped caring about it and I'm dropping. It may not seem like much considering how much I really need to lose, but it's a step in the right direction and that is truly what matters.  It's a positive and that's what I should focus on.  I know once I pick up the pace on the exercise front, it'll drop quicker. Anyway...

I know all these diet gurus tell you to use non-fat this and non-fat that, but why?  What are you really getting out of it? More preservatives? More chemical balancing? I have some older cookbooks from the forties and fifties and none of them call for fat free anything.

A majority of women from the twenties through the seventies weren't overweight.  They were curvy or voluptuous.  They were sexy.  Don't get me wrong some were overweight, you can't completely escape the fat cell, but curvy was sexy...not fat.

Example: Marilyn Monroe - Curvy,  "Stacked",  Beautiful

She didn't have her ribs showing or poking through her clothing.  She had meat on her legs and arms.  She had a gentle puff to her cheeks.  She often said that people called her "the lady with shape"--well duh!  Now, by media standards...she's considered overweight.

The media, however, loves thin women.  By "thin" I'm talking bone thin.

Example: Keira Knightley--thin, but considered sexy.

Don't get me wrong, I adore Keira Knightley, and this picture is of her at her thinnest.  Her body type has her consistently thin, but at times like this picture--in my humble opinion--I think she's just too thin.  If your ribs are showing, that's not a good thing.  You look malnourished, sick.  Sick is not sexy--no matter how much make-up you put on.

I'm not advocating that being overweight is a good thing, it really isn't.  It makes our heart work harder, we have a hard time breathing, and it can cause skeletal issues.  What I am a believer in, however, is being a healthier me.  

Me...me...me...me...me!  What will make me happy?  Finding a way, of my choosing, to be a healthier me. 

Play Time

Now wait a minute!  It's not what you think...I know some of you have a dirty mind.  Don't look shocked...you know who you are.

Or maybe it is what you think, because you have a pure mind. O.o
Whatever!

Anywho...

Games people! I'm talking board games, card games, and puzzles!  It's a lot more fun when you are teamed up with someone or are part of a small group of someones.  Why?  The gloat factor is much richer!

Gloat?  Who gloats? My husband, his father, his brother, and all their friends. They win a competition against the women and they gloat for months!  They lose and it's whining for even longer.

"You cheated."  

"You table-talked."

"You win one time, and you're proud of that? Let's see if you win the next one!"

"We let you win because we felt sorry for you."
"You lose so much, we had to let you win this one."

The next get together, they've forgotten they lost the last round.  I swear we need to keep a log somewhere of the times we win--but then they'd just accuse us of doctoring the log.

If you don't have a game night with family and friends--I'm talking AWAY from all the technology here people--DO IT!  You'll never laugh harder in your life!  It can create conversations, and you're having a good ol' time with people you love.

The Gift of Genealogy

I'm a big research freak.  If I'm passionate enough about something, I research it until I'm completely satisfied.  I do it with my story writing--yes, I write stories, but I'll save that for another time--because I want to be accurate in my detailing.  If someone were to check on something I've written, I want them to see that I put my heart and soul into all I've done.


Researching the family genealogy is exciting and insightful.  Although, I will admit that at times it can be downright frustrating!

The things I've learned about my ancestors has sent me through the full range of emotions. Sadness, grief, disgust, curiosity, confusion...you name it, and I've felt it.  Here's why...



Some of the things I've found:

A relative that left his family to go off to war in the 1800s, was presumed dead, but I found him four states away three years later. (Was I sure? Yes. He didn't bother to change his name or birth date)

Two relatives that married.  Each other.  An uncle married his great-great-great-great-great niece.  She was only half related, but still...

The husband's family has been linked to Poe.  Edgar Allan Poe.

My husband's family has also been linked to assisting President Lincoln in the aftermath of his shooting.  The details were in a book that was NOT written by any member of the family.  Details had been given by officials or townsfolk.

I've learned that my father's side of the family may not have Japanese blood, but Spanish blood.  Spain.

My husband's grandfather was one of thirteen children, but my father-in-law had only ever met seven of them.  He only knew of one of the deaths.  In actuality six children died in early childhood or at birth.  The reasons varied and it makes me sad to think about how hard things were for everyone then.

The funniest thing--not funny ha ha, but funny strange--my husband's family on his mother's side and my family on my mother's side lived doors from each other in Illinois during the late 1800s/early 1900s. CRAZY! If I find that we're related, I may have to kick him. Just kidding...

Then again, if we think about it...we're all related anyway. Mother Eve and Father Adam are our original parents.  I digress...

So those were some crazy things, eh?  I've been doing this research since 2005 and I've made sure to include extended family.  The tree currently sits at 5069 ancestors and it grows daily.  As I gather more information, the branches bloom with fresh intelligence and my excitement is renewed.

I know, I'm an odd duck.

The frustration comes from inaccurate information due to human error.  There are transcribers for all the vital records and some either don't know how to read or they're dyslexic.  I have found misspellings and completely inaccurate transcriptions.  How do I know this?  Because I can view images of the original documents.

An example of incorrect transcription--Line 93 listed with the number 166 contains the names Owen and Margarett Kelly.  Owen's name may have been transcribed as Deven or Devon. The Kelly name may have been transcribed as Kellog. Not that they were, but they could have been if the transcriber didn't pay attention to the handwriter's script.

Image Courtesy of rootdig.com

I've reported the incorrect information that I have come across and some of it has been resolved--I'm still waiting on a few things.  I'm certain I will find more though.

Image courtesy NBC

If you haven't watched the series "Who Do You Think You Are?" produced by Lisa Kudrow,  you should.  It returns to NBC starting Friday, February 3rd.  It's going into its third season and I'm really looking forward to it.  I know it's researching the ancestry of celebrities, but you can see the journey that people go through.  I kind of wish they'd use real people once in a while.  I would most definitely apply.



How much do you know about your own ancestry?  Are you curious now?

Scratch

"Non-cooks think it's silly to invest two hours' work in two minutes' enjoyment; but if cooking is evanescent, so is the ballet."  ~Julia Child

I talked before about how I am a "from scratch" girl when it comes to cooking.  I completely and totally enjoy the feeling of satisfaction I get from making something so well that people can't stop talking about it--no matter the effort.

It's why I do Thanksgiving at my house every single year.  People are always wanting to help and I just can't do it.  I have to do it. I finally have a system of doing things so that the day of the feast, I actually have time to relax and mingle while things cook.

I say all this to get to this point...

I bought a cookbook put out by Taste of Home and Reader's Digest.  I expected to find from scratch recipes, and a lot of it is.  However, upon further inspection there are recipes in there calling for refrigerated doughs of various breads and certain pre-mixed spices.  WHAT?!

Thinking about it, yes, I get that not everyone likes to do things from scratch. But why not put the recipe for the dough and spice mixes somewhere else in the book?  Would that really be all that difficult?

I'll keep the book because there are quite a few recipes in there that I know the husband will appreciate and they speak to me.  I can't help but feel disappointed in these companies' choice to omit the full from scratch recipes.

I know some of you out there are staring at the screen and have that blank look, and others of you are probably rolling your eyes because you can't fathom why on earth I wouldn't want to make things easier on myself.

Let's look at it from a couple of different angles...

Ladies... 

A majority of girls begin planning their weddings from the time they are able to understand what a wedding is. Once you're engaged, you go into overdrive with all the detailing. There's the photographer, videographer, disc jockey or band, officiant, ceremony site, reception site, seating...well you get the idea.

My point is that you do all this planning and the ceremony lasts fifteen to thirty minutes.  The reception lasts three to six hours on average.  You've had months if not years of planning for a few hours of celebration.  Why not just run to a chapel or Justice of the Peace and then hang out with friends?

Gentlemen...

Your favorite athletes practice plays numerous days a week during their sport's regular season.  They watch footage from other games to study their opponents.  They train for hours upon hours in the off-season. They get paid the big bucks because they are such good athletes.  

If they're so good, then why do they need the practice, training, and studying?  Can't they just go out and do their job without having to deal with all the mess and risk injury during practice?

Kids, Teens, Adolescents...

Going to school and doing homework...such a pain, right?  You do tons of homework, study, do presentations, and take tests.  You go through three to five stages of education.  What are you doing all that for?  Because good grades can get you scholarships or grants.  Most importantly, the jobs that pay well, hire people with degrees and social skills.  

The effort I put out is nothing compared to the reward I receive.  Pride and personal satisfaction.

Best Laid Plans

"You can always amend a big plan, but you can never expand a little one. I don't believe in little plans. I believe in plans big enough to meet a situation which we can't possibly foresee now."

--Harry S. Truman

My husband cracks me up...often.  Every time he makes big plans for us, something inevitably goes awry.  Every little trip, dinner plan, errand or menial outing...a wrench gets thrown into the cogwheels, cranking the gears of life.  

I've grown accustomed to change, and over the past ten years, have learned to welcome it. The husband...not so much.  He dreads it; it makes him anxious and he doesn't handle it well.  I guess that is why I've learned to adapt to whatever happens quickly.  I need to be the calming force--balance the scales to look as though the change is actually to our advantage.  It's not an easy task, but I like a good challenge.

Our ten-year anniversary is coming up, and I was thinking about what he has planned--at least as far as what I know our plans are.  There are some plans I don't and probably won't know about, and I will have to come up with a solution quickly to best squelch the anxiety that will already have taken root the moment we walk out our door to begin our adventure.

So, why am I thinking about this so much?

Courtesy: Disney Fairy Tale Weddings

During our honeymoon, we planned our ten-year anniversary.  Nothing is as we planned. Not a single thing.  Does it bother me?  Only slightly, but it was a lofty goal.  We're talking three-ring circus here, folks.  


As Truman said, (paraphrasing) plan big, things will change, be ready with another big plan.  

Last year, we conceded that our biggest plan, would not come to fruition.  He's pushed that plan to our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary.  Big plan...be ready for change. **giggling at the thought**  

The husband has a new plan.  I know the location and length of time.  We've made a few plans within the major plan.  Something may go awry.  For the parts that I am aware of, I am prepared with plans B through Z--always have a backup for a backup.  

Sounds crazy, right?  Maybe so, but I am an analytical person--at times, overly so--but that personality trait has assisted me in other areas of life, and I cannot  will not denounce it.

The big plan is in three weeks...I'll try to revisit after the fact.

Work Ethic

People assume that just because you don't work (outside of the home) anymore, you don't know what you are talking about when it comes to real work.  Really? So all that work I did from the time I was fifteen to twenty years later, means absolutely nothing?

I worked my ass tush off for corporations and small businesses for twenty years!  If I was clocked in, I was working.  If I was sick, I went to work. If I was having a bad day, I went to work. Life-changing event, I went to work.

I also never had it in me to not work while clocked in.  In company handbooks it was considered stealing from the business.  I believed that!  Still do. If you are clocked in, are able to be productive (no power outage), then you work to the best of your ability. No sloughing off.  I did this, day in and day out.

Even when I became a manager, I was still working my tail off to make sure that everything ran smoothly and that my people had jobs.  I expected them to work just as hard.  I don't think that's an unreasonable expectation.  If you want a job, you are to work to the best of your ability or someone--who is willing to do the work--gets put in your place, and then you are swiftly shown to the door and shoved out.

I don't understand this mentality of "they owe me"...especially in this economy!  So many people are struggling and taking whatever job they can get.  If you really want the job, want to keep the job, work your fool arse off!

I know...it's not my life and I can't live it for anyone else. Ugh.  It just upsets me to see people take advantage and not understand the privilege of having a job that pays. Whether you get paid $7.75 an hour or $450.00 an hour, you should be working your arse off.

Take pride in your job, it reflects well on you.

Realizing Mortality

“Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say. Whatever you want to do, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows.” 

 ~Pope Paul VI (Italian Pope. 1897-1978)

One doesn't much think about their own mortality until someone else moves onto the next plane--or at least, I don't. I don't see the point in dwelling on how this life may or may not end. When it ends, it ends. I know wherever I go, I can begin life anew with loved ones that have gone before me.  Yes, I believe in an afterlife.

Why am I bringing this up?  Because my husband lost a friend today.  It's hard to hear of people your own age dying, and this is the second of his friends within a year.  He was deeply saddened, and I did what I could to comfort him, but I know my husband. He needed space so that he could grieve.  So I left the room and he came to me when he was ready.

I know a part of him is afraid of dying.  I've tried to walk him through the faith that I have for my own life, but he's a damaged man.  Completely redeemable, but damaged by a system of religion that discards you at the right price.  I still don't understand it, and neither does he.  I'll never give up on trying to show him though.

As for me, I finally realized a few years ago, that I don't have to be so worried about everything.  What symptom goes to what disease or where the most dangerous streets are in the state don't scare me so much. Why?  Because that's not living! If you're constantly stressing about "what could happen if..." then you are bringing your end date much closer to the present.  Stress is hard on your heart, which only causes more stress on the rest of your body. 

A few things I've learned and try to concentrate on daily:

Don't sweat the small stuff.  

Never cross your arms when you're angry.

Lose the hate.

Love until your heart stops.

Laugh, even when you want to cry.

"Kill" someone with kindness.

Pay it forward.

Smile when someone in front of you is angry.

Learn all that you can about something fun.

Play games.

Talk it out, listen carefully, and let the embers of regret turn to ash.

Guilt, regret, hatred, and anger have no place in my life. I cannot regret anything--so no guilt--because without   those things, I would not have learned anything.  Hatred doesn't hurt the other person, it only hurts me.  Anger...why?  Again, it only hurts me.

Disappointing Those You Love

There can be no deep disappointment where there is no deep love.

~Martin Luther King Jr.

We never plan to disappoint the ones we love, but it seems inevitable. You make plans and sometimes, things that are beyond your control, happen. I hate it when that happens, and it occurs more often than I care for it to.  So how do you make up for that disappointment?

You could buy that person a gift, but then isn't that an attempt at buying affection?

You could try it again, but what if it happens again?

You could ignore it and pray that you do something to redeem yourself... which is usually what I do. Does it work?  Probably not. I'd imagine there exists a niggling in the back of one's brain, reminding them of the wrong I have committed whether intentional or not.

It's a hard line to walk with a loved one, and I never really know what the right thing to do is. Anyone else out there have a clue?

Confessions of a Reader in Secret

Intrigued? Don't be.  It's nothing that is truly all that bad.

I am a fan-fiction reader. Yes.  I read fan-fiction. My little sister got me hooked on it, and at first, I will admit I did not see the draw. Then, I began to read some really good stories which had some pretty original ideas, and I began seeing some things that made me think, "Hey, I would actually buy this book if it were published."



There's been quite a bit of an uproar over the years because some authors were pulling their stories, changing the names of the characters (which were originally based off another author's work), and publishing under different titles.

At first, I was livid--especially when I was reading one and hadn't quite finished it when it was pulled--but, then I asked myself, was I into it for the story or because it was based on these characters that I knew from the original work by the original author. If the answer was the latter, then there was nothing to really get upset over. If it was the preceding, I did everything I could to find if it had been published. In all cases, it had not been published by a publishing house, but had been taken by other "writers" and represented as their own work.  Basically, it was stolen, misrepresented, and was taken down for "protection".

Recently, a book series--rumored to have been shopped by Hollywood--is taking quite a bit of flack because it had begun as a work of fan-fiction.  The author had pulled the stories, changed character names and played with the title.  The story was good and far apart from the original work's storyline, however fan-fiction readers are in hate mode.

Why?

Granted the story, originally, was written as a Twilight fan-fic (yes, I said Twilight. Get over it.), but there wasn't much if anything that resembled Twilight. Yes, it began in Washington, but not in the small town of Forks. The characters were adults and there was no "other-worldliness" to any of them.

I think the truer issue is that at one time the reading was free and now, if they want to read the story and some of the additional pieces that were added, they have to pay for it.

I said the story was good...it wasn't great, and I wouldn't pay for it, but other readers of actual published works have.  There were a few things that bothered me about the fan-fiction story (to the point where I stopped reading), but some people really loved it.  So, I guess I do feel a bit sorry for them, but in my own personal opinion....

...it should be the author's right to choose what they do with their story.  She had a good following for the series and if she chose to take it another route, then she had to know it could either ruin her or do something really great.  If she gets the Hollywood deal...I don't think she'll be too worried about what "the little people" think.

Even if they are the ones that gave her the stones enough to go after her dream.

"You got a dream, you gotta protect it. People can't do something themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it.  If you want something, go get it. Period." - Pursuit of Happyness (Movie)

Vanity

I truly hate this subject, but I can't get it out of my head.  A conversation I had with a friend earlier is playing on a loop in my head like a song I can't forget but desperately want to. When I need to get a song out of my head, I play it, so by deductive reasoning, in order to get this out of my head, I need to "get it down on paper"--so to speak.

We were having a conversation about this person being in search of a relationship, and how some people had just been downright rude. This person is on a singles website--a social network for singles--and has been receiving and sending messages to people. Some have responded with a simple "thanks, but no thanks" which is fine; it basically means "not interested."

Sadly, some people have decided to take the "thanks, but no thanks" a bit too far. Saying things like "you're ugly" or "maybe you should give up." WOW! Where the hell do people get off labeling someone as ugly? This person isn't gorgeous, but they most certainly aren't lacking in the looks department.

Take a good long look in a mirror, and excuse the hell out of me, but who exactly is "ugly" here?  Ugly would be the attitude.  Just because someone doesn't live up to a standard you have placed so high up on a pedestal that few are bound to reach, doesn't give you the right to judge them.  If you're such a catch, then what is your happy ass butt doing on a singles' site looking for a relationship?  Check yourself, because you are a wreck!

I actually started to feel bad for my friend, but then they made matters worse, and I no longer felt sorry for them.  I pitied them.  Why?

Because not five minutes later, they're talking about someone that had messaged them, and how they couldn't respond because the person was so horrible looking that they could have a nightmare.

What the...?








I'm not one to sugarcoat or hide my feelings when I get peeved which is sometimes my downfall, so I told my friend that they were being an asshat jerk! It's called karma you dumbass freak!  You say things like that about others, and it's liable to come back to bite you in the arse!

They were a bit taken aback by my response, but after a lengthy discussion, then realized that they had offended with the exact action that they were accusing the other person of committing. 

WAKE UP CALL

**head meet desk**

"The surest cure for vanity is loneliness"
~Thomas Wolfe

Inspiration in a Day's Activities

So...I'm trying to get into a routine of doing things. I guess you would call it, "setting a schedule," of sorts.  I have certain days that I complete certain household tasks, but I want to be sure to set aside some time to do some things for myself.

It's hard to do that. I know it sounds weird, because most people would be happy to have all the free time in the world to just do nothing.  I, on the other hand, don't mind keeping busy.  I think that's why, when I was in retail, I worked so hard.  It wasn't just the work ethic I was brought up with and taught in school.  I liked being BUSY.

If I sit for too long, I really get bored.  So bored in fact that I wind up taking a nap because if I'm not moving I feel like I should be sleeping.  Part of the reason I nap during the day could also be because I don't sleep well, when I should. I just can't shut the mind off.

What I really want to try to do is set a couple of days a week to just experiment with food. I've done it before.  I've created some good things by experimenting.  I have a chili that family and friends rave over and a cookie that is "demanded" every Christmas. I do get the occasional "Baby, that's a keeper", but I didn't write anything down because, honestly, I took a bunch of leftovers and made something just because I was inspired. What could I really have written down?

Take leftover spaghetti sauce, add Worcestershire sauce, garlic, cinnamon, brown sugar and cilantro. Saute diced onion. Cube leftover chicken and heat in skillet with onion. Pour liquid into pan, coating ingredients, and heat thoroughly in skillet. Serve over rice or breakfast potatoes with carrots, basil tomatoes or corn cob.

That's not a recipe, that's a fun time playing in the kitchen.  And yes...I have done that before. I know people think I'm crazy.  My husband sometimes thinks I'm a pseudo-genius, and that is what drives me.  

I'm a people-pleaser.  If I find that someone enjoys something I've made, I am sure to make it for them anytime they ask for it. If I wrote it down... 

My sister asks for Chicken Estufao everytime she comes home from college for a visit.  My father-in-law asks for my super secret chili recipe or my great-grandmother's Spanish rice or her nut cookies. Actually, my father-in-law's list seems to grow every year. LOL  The husband...he doesn't care so long as it's good.  

Here's the rub, where the dearest, sweet man whom I call "my husband" is concerned.  He's happy with boxed meals.  He doesn't mind frozen TV-dinners.  If it comes in a jar, it's spreadable on bread or a tortilla. If it came in a sealed plastic bag it's snacky delicious.  

What's wrong with all that?  Absolutely nothing.  Except for the fact that I am a "from scratch" kind of girl!  I know boxed/canned/frozen is how a lot of people were brought up--heck I was too--but I watched my grandmother and great-grandmother (the few times I actually saw them) create some magical dishes with a recipe and some fresh ingredients.  

I LOVE getting my hands dirty...in food.  It's cathartic for me.  If I'm angry, I can pound some poultry or nuts with a mallet. If I'm sad, making a sweet treat might help me to feel better when I see the look on the husband's face as he munches.  

If I'm feeling inspired, who knows what I'll accomplish? So that is what I am going to do for myself as often as I possibly can. Play in the little cave that is my kitchen.

Inspiration is the key to fulfillment!

"The greatest gift is a portion of thyself."   ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Obsessions: Good or evil?

I know that it's ridiculous to obsess over certain things. For instance, obsessing over the one strand of gray, tucked neatly away under a lock of hair or a picture frame having a glare so bright that it can't be seen when you're standing right in front of it. Yes, I obsess over things like this. I know it's ridiculous but let's call it what it is. I have a mild case of OCD.

For the last...oh, let's say year...I've been obsessing over grammar usage.  The only time I really don't care is when I am so angry that I can't think straight.  Yes, I'm talking about cursing.  I'm not going to lie, I curse.  Frequently.  It's a bad habit and one of these years I may make a resolution to fix that. ((Then again, see yesterday's post)). It drives my husband, among others, crazy.  You know who you are, don't lie.

I will admit, there are times when I fail at grammar--it's rare, but it happens--and no, I am not including the times when I am irrational in my cursing technique.  Sometimes I think cursing should be a language of it's own like Pig-Latin, which, let's be honest, borders on spoonerism.  Honestly it isn't just grammar, but spelling is included in this huge little annoyance.

On the grammar side of things:

Your vs You're

One is possession (your) and the other is a conjunction (you're).  

Conjunctions can show past or present tense, though some may disagree.

I however, don't.

Your shirt is too small.

You're (you are/were) being ridiculous.

There vs Their vs They're

I know! Three words, same sound different meanings. 

No wonder the English language is considered to be one of the most difficult languages to learn!

One is position (there), one is possession (their) and again the last is a conjunction (They're).

There you are!

Their kids are noisy!

They're (they are) going to have another baby!

Its vs It's

Possession (its) and conjunction (it's).

Let the cat play with its toy.

It's (it is) all going to work out.

There are so many others, that I could go on and on! (Than vs Then, Should of vs Should have, Toward(s), Backward(s)) Maybe I'll scribe about those another time.  I digress...

I know; it's so simple, right? Apparently not, but that's why there are book editors, language teachers, English professors, etc... I know, most of us hated our English/Language Arts teachers in school, but there is an actual reason for them. Shocking, I know!

So why am I going on about this?  Because I have been reading through emails, magazines and even some very good published works that, apparently, were not edited or didn't have an educated editor.  It's unbelievable how many pieces are published that have such horrible mistakes.  I'm speaking of some media sites (AP News, Fox News, Yahoo! News)!  If these "professionals" are able to make mistakes like that, then why can't we all be writers/editors/publishers?  No one would be jobless!

It's a scary and intriguing thought.
Am I good or evil?

Resolutions

Resolutions. We all make them.

"I'm gonna make myself into a better me."

"I'm going to lose weight."
"I'm going to travel more."
"I'll pay off my credit cards and not use them."

"I'll go back to school."

I've made all of these and what have I done so far? Not a darn thing.  They've started out well, with the best of intentions and then like they do every year...they fall by the wayside. So what is it this year? 

Clean up the cluttered cache that is my life.

I actually began doing this mid-year in 2011. In all honesty, I've been trying avoiding this since we moved into our house eight years ago. It's been a long battle with myself.  I now consider myself a hoarder. Now before you judge, it's not like what you have seen on television ((although at times, I was close)). I had many problems I had to deal with personally before I could even begin to identify what I was doing.  You're probably asking what the heck could have driven me to do it in the first place. If you're not, I'll answer anyway.

Low self-esteem. 

I don't think people truly understand just how hurtful words AND actions can be.  I was holding onto things and building my stockpile to keep myself in this place.  Thinking that even if this man did try to leave me, like all the others he would have a hard time getting me out of his life for a while and I would be able to win him back during the time I would have to spend cleaning all my stuff out of his life. Crazy, right?

Yeah I would almost agree, except it's not. Not really.  I mean it is a mental challenge, don't get me wrong. It was the thinking of a woman so desperate to hang onto anything (or anyone) for longer than a few months or even a year. It has taken me ten years to realize that this one man...he's not going anywhere. He is my guardian. My defender. My love.

We have fought tooth and nail about anything and everything, and yet...he remains here.  He still loves me and proves it in the little things.  Sometimes he shows with the grand gesture, but I don't need that.  Why?  Because I know he loves me.  This is very important. I know. Yes he said it and I knew what he was saying, but years of being neglected/dumped/divorced/abused doesn't allow a person's love to penetrate that thick concrete wall that contains the steel vault holding my heart. I do love him...I just wasn't always certain of his love for me.

That all being said...I finally get it. Because of him and his continuous badgering of love for me, I can finally let go.  I can get rid of broken trinkets, blurry photos, pens that don't work, files...well, you get the idea.  I have gone from a three room plus clutter to an over-flowing closet.  Now it's time to buckle down and get rid of this last tidbit.  I have until the end of the year to do so.

Good Luck to me!